Saturday, August 29, 2009

Dear Diary, The Pigeons are Relentless

So, when I was younger I kept a journal. It was an almost daily collection of my thoughts, fears, excitements, and disappointments all intermingled page by page with the clippings of Seventeen magazine and Rolling Stone. 

If nothing about having filled those pages brings me a hush of pleasant reminiscing, I am at least comforted by the worthwhile and honest subject matter I covered. At fourteen, I was wrestling with the issues of nations. Debating the wilds of the human heart against the head and the little life experience I had in my--even then--chubby gut. Present day, I don't really journal. But, when I do sit down to write to blog--as I have given rare indulgence to doing--the only things I can effortlessly spout off about are usually criminal in their frivolity and likely the cause of my passing fury. 

Today, it's the pigeons turn.

For the second Saturday in a row, Air-Force-trained pigeons have gunned the passenger-side of my vehicle starting at the headlights and polishing off the mess with excellent trunk coverage. 

Consider this cry delivered to them: Why pigeons, WHY?!

The first time it was marginally humorous, now I'm just appalled! And yes, someone has already tried to convince me that since birds lack strong sphincter muscles that the attacks cannot be deliberate. But I know a hate crime when I see one and Lieutenant White Dung has it out for me. That's a fact. 

To the Pigeons:

Listen here, flock of birds I have never seen, and your infamous leader. Your days of target pooping are numbered and I will stop at nothing to bring this fight to your doorstep, birds! NOTHING. NOTHING!!!

A little melodramatic? I didn't think so either. Besides, my attention span is far too short to allow me any sort of proper follow through on my threats. It it also guaranteed that something far more infuriating will get my goat while I'm setting up surveillance equipment for the pigeons. At least now I know that if they, the pigeons, read this blog they will find themselves formally acquainted with the depths of my wrath, and I suppose that is enough.

Also, was part of that line from The Bourne Identity? Three maybe?

Alas, unimportant. The more important thing is that I lower by blood pressure by looking on the bright side. That bright side being that at least the birdies were being mindful of their diet this time around. Last week's order was of an entirely different consistency. 

Damn birds.

1 comment:

kristi said...

Be honest: you love them and you know it.