Wednesday, August 1, 2007

a semi-comphrensive list of inconveient places to stand

While I don't typically consider myself to be a reliable source of guidance, I do over time tend to collect bits of unrelated information that occasionally when mingled with boredom result in a revelation worth sharing. This is not one of those revelations. This is a blog about nothing.

It has come to my attention recently that humans regardless of intellectual education or upbringing frequently find themselves loitering (or standing and blinking) in locations that would be ideal for such behavior were it not for the fact that it is also required to facilitate needs others. Initially, this blog would have been titled, "A Comprehensive List of Inconvenient Places to Stand and Think" but it was concluded that were these individuals thinking they would have found better places to stand.

So, that said, I have taken it upon myself to begin the process of putting together a collection of places for the wandering to avoid. But ridding the world (or at least your world) of these nuisances is not a task for one person. Therefore, should you come across an offender, or discover a new and equally inconvenient location for offenders to congregate, please feel free to add it to this list then immediately fasten a copy of the list to the offender's forehead. Use double-side tape or poster putty.

And now on to the list...

1) In between your shopping cart and the opposing wall of cake frosting.
I would go to the right but your cart is there, I would go to the left but there you are. Listen, lady, it's you or the peanut butter. Choose wisely.

2) Casually, with your back to the ATM machine.

You're obviously here to try and steal my pin number so stop trying to look like you didn't see the cash machine sitting there. Take fifteen paces to your left and turn yourself in to the proper officials.

3) At the BOTTOM of an in-service escalator.
The escalator hasn't stalled, why have you? See that line of men, women and children spilling off to the left and right of you as you search through your purse? Yeah, they all want your head on a spike.

4) At the TOP of an in-service escalator.
See 3.

5) In an unoccupied parking space outside of the bank.
Wow, I wouldn't have had to park all the way over here by this tree if you hadn't been laughing on your cell phone in the vacant space right next to the bank door. Creep.

6) Immediately outside of a public washroom.
Did you pee and then forget where you were going? Keep moving, I will hit you with the door.

7) Sitting on top of / standing in front of someone else's washing machine / dryer.
Since you're in a public laundry, am I wrong to assume that you have your OWN machine to be sitting on or blinking in front of? Go away.

8) With your back to the Light Rail train door.
There's only a limited amount of time to enter the car before the automatic doors close and no one can get in when your fat head is blocking the entrance.

So, now that I have gotten the proverbial ball rolling, I encourage you to go, identify and violently purge such offenders from the face of the earth. Or if you are the offender, go lie down since this has probably been a lot for you to read and you may not fully understand what's going on yet.

Lastly, keep in mind that I am indeed a fan of senseless lollygagging but only when it doesn't come at the expense of others. Or really just me.

Alas, farewell and happy non-intrusive loitering.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

gay and from utah

So, as I often do, I am using myspace as a means of communicating with the world at large. Is the world listening? Of course you're not. I do this strictly to make myself feel valued. This and the medications. I digress.

This blog goes out to a dear and personal friend of mine, Matt Something-Something. I met Matt Something...oh... say five days ago? Yes, we were friends from Spokane WA, to Denver CO, on my return flight after New Years. Best friends for two hours and six minutes plus turbulance.

Matt held my hand figuratively (and literally) through take off since I at the time was convinced I was going to die. But aside from displaying life saving techniques, helping me find my seat adjustment button, and showing me how to activate my seat to be a floatation device (in the event of a water landing) Matt was also a hilarious and charming seat-mate who entertained me and calmed much for my fear and for that I am grateful.

So grateful, I misplaced the paper he gave me with his myspace address. Hence why this blog goes out to "Gay-And-From-Utah" (which is how Matt described himself).

Therefore, if you have seen Matt, or know Matt, or perhaps ARE Matt and haven't realized yet that I am talknig about you, DROP ME A LINE. Thanks for letting me hide my face in your arm during take off and I hope you had an awesome time protesting sexual discrimination in uptight colleges and universities. Hope we meet up on a boeing 433 somewhere again.


Ps. Have you seen my Chapstick? Thanks.