Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Presence of childen at WALL-E makes for less enjoyable viewing

So, this is one of those blogs that manifested itself as a single thought only.

I wrote that sentence, the title of this blog, a few summers back when WALL E was wheeling his little treads across the hearts of Americans everywhere. The inspiration for such a comment spawned from the time I went to see the feature early on a Sunday afternoon, evidently before the bedtimes of a relatively talkative batch of tiny humans.

In general, it seems that most people are unopposed to things like "child-like wonder" and "merry-making" and what not, and let it be known that I too am in favor of those things when executed under strict supervision within the proper arena. My point? A movie theater is not the proper arena.

Also--animated classics aren't just for YOU, little people. Go find a grown-up to read this next part and listen carefully, as your tired mothers obviously neglected to tell you this:

First of all, children, not everyone likes you. In fact, there are a great many of us who find you to be selfish, abrasive, unsanitary carriers of disease and bacteria which is largely due to the fact that you are consistently covered in old food. Also, as this is really the point I'm trying to make, you really possess an air of entitlement that bypasses cocky and lands you ass-first within the realm of the just plain absurd. It's not your theater and you have no right to carry on as if it were.

Secondly, just because a movie doesn't have human beings or real sets or Keanu Reeves in, doesn't mean it was made especially for you. As a matter of fact, (and you're going to want to hold on to your Pull-Ups for this one) cartoons were never made for you. Grown-ups have been using them to talk politics, social sciences and trade sexual innuendos over your heads for decades now. Well, I would imagine since their inception in fact (look closely at the cover of The Little Mermaid when you're older). I don't care if you found something WALL E related in your cereal box. Eventually, you're going to have a conversation with some adult about landfills and recycling and Peter Gabriel and then you will know that they would have won.

Or even more likely, you won't.

There. Now, does any of that make sense to you, oh underdeveloped little being? You can send your mothers away now as I hope the rest of this tirade reaches you by the vehicle of an unsettling feeling or the urge to suck your thumb. Maybe next time you'll think twice about yammering on with your insolent questions and detracting from my enjoyment of the mute, robot lovers.

Yes. I'm OLD.

[Update: I like children now.]