Tuesday, January 8, 2008

some misguided efforts for 2008

Happy 8th Day of the New Year!

I can celebrate it, right? Of course I can. Because yes, while you all were toasting and boozing and apologizing to your significant others for making googly eyes at half-clad strangers, I rang in this New Year's with a shot of Amoxocilin and a case of influenza.

Shut up. I had a great time.

In fact, I woke up with 14 minutes to midnight, which turned out to be just long enough to suffer through another Fergie performance of "Big Girls Don't Cry." Needless to say, I was too weak to kill myself.

Then finally the ball dropped and I, with a chain-smoker's hack drug myself through a verse of Auld Lang Syne, wished the television a blessed New Year and went back to bed. But in my feverish sleep I drew the inspiration for this blog. (Hold on, I'll get to the point shortly).

As I laid in bed taking in the sounds of the South Minneapolis area I live in, sounds of police sirens and crackwhores, it was then that I decided: This new year, I'm not going to make useless resolutions for myself. No, I'm going to help others. I'm going to invent well-meaning, but misguided non-profit organizations to help inner city folk, such as the ones setting off car alarms outside my apartment building. So, I went to work on a mental list to save the world/projects. Here's what my deteriorated mind produced:

Shanita's Well Meaning But Horribly Misguided Inner-City Community Building Non-Profit Agencies for 2008:

1. Hug-A-Thug-Everybody (HATE)Because everyone needs a little love sometimes.

Sometimes you just need to be reminded that not everyone despises you and wants you to move out of their neighborhood and stop endangering the livelihood of their children and businesses.

2. Educated Broke Folk Forever (EBFF)Together, we can take the "Ho" out of "Homelessness."

Just because you're unsuccessful, doesn't mean you need to turn to the streets.There are lots of unsuccessful people who, because of their expensive education, feel great about themselves and their inability to make ends meet.

3. Illegal Operations Made Possible (IOMP)You call it, "organized crime" we call it "business management."

In every gang-banger and drug dealer there's a waiting entrepreneur! With proper skills in asset/liability management, bookkeeping and fiscal responsibility there are no ends to where you can end up! (Including, but not limited to a maximum-security prison.)

4. Natural Inventions in Growing Great Agricultural Shit (NIIGGAS)Helping you grow only the finest hemp under the pretext of medical research since just now.
Start up is easy. We work with what you already have. Transform your hoopty into a fully staffed mobile opium den! They say "You can't!" we say "You CAN(nabis)!"
Financial freedom is spelled, W-E-E-D.

Two other potential organizations that didn't get properly thought through were Mothers Of Fundamentally Underachieving Kids w/o ADD (MOFUKA) a group that allows you to blame society for your children and (SHIIT) or Sex Has Its Inherent Troubles, a support group for folk who can't find they baby daddy.

So, there's the list folks. It is unlikely that Oprah will sponsor me. But then again I'm holding out for Dave Chappelle.